He was my boyfriend, my husband, and now we broke up for good. All my feelings of pain and loss came flooding back, I began crying myself to sleep and I felt so unworthy to live. I began running away from the feelings, taking uppers in the morning so I could drink alcoholic beverages all day and smoking pot so I could sleep and forget everything. One night I drove home from the bar, really wanting to just die and forget it all. I began to drive on the wrong side of the road, "If anyone asked me if you were heading down a street on the wrong side and a car was heading right for, you what would you do?" I thought for a split second about the people in the other car and what would happen to them, but I was so consumed by my pain I could not see clearly. Thankfully, I do have a different ending to this story; I knew I needed help because I did not like the person I became.

I was given another chance; God brought a man into my life that loved me for who I was. I wanted to share my life with him but my big secret kept me from saying yes. I finally got the nerve to tell him about my abortion and how I truly believed that I would never have children, because I did not deserve to have a child. Again, I received more blessings; a husband and his son, nine months and eighteen days later a daughter and fifteen months later a son. My life was full now, my emotions overwhelmed me for the love of my babies, BUT I never dealt with the loss of my first child.

I came to a place in my life where I had to talk about my abortion or I would never receive healing. The feelings, lies and shame would not go away on its own because people around me talked about women who had abortions. How could anyone ever do something like that? I wanted to say, "You feel like a bear that has its leg caught in a trap and you have to gnaw off your leg to get free." It took me twenty-five years to finally come to a point where I acknowledge that I LOST A BABY. I will never be able to hold her, touch her, kiss her or wipe away her tears on this side of Heaven. There is not a day that goes by that I do not miss her. But one day I will meet her, her name is Kristen Marie, and she lives with Jesus.